Television

Well it's done. I've not said anything before for two reasons. The first was to keep my anxiety levels at a manageable level and the second was that I wasn't sure if it would happen or not.

My new nickname at work is The Movie Star !!

This morning Channel 7 came out and filmed one of my groups. I had a microphone tucked into my pants (by a good looking young man) with the receiver attached to my shirt. We had a camera man and a sound man - pretty good for a women's centre.

Channel 7 news is doing a 2 part series on Post Natal Depression and somehow they got onto our agency and found out that we run therapy groups for women with post natal depression and asked if they could come out and film some of our group.

I put it to the women a couple of weeks ago, I think, for me, partially hoping they would say no. I've never been on television. I've never been involved in anything like this before. So the whole idea was totally frightening. When we first mentioned it to the women, the first response was - no way, it's a great idea, needs to be done, but not my face, I'm not speaking on camera etc, etc.

A week later, we talked about it again. The women had had time to process the possibility, and were much more interested. Many were still saying, not my face, I'm not going to say anything, but they were much happier with the idea. And this was not an expose, but a feel good, information story, about ordinary women, mothers, who felt they were crazy and to let other women know that in fact, what they were feeling was quite normal. That many women suffer from post natal depression, and there is help available, and there is life after post natal depression.

Another week went by, more talk, permission forms organised, and a date set for the filming. It has been an interesting process, the negotiation, the planning, and the wondering what to expect. One of the other counsellors has television background and another staff member has been involved in television in another capacity (as an activist) so they were able to fill in some information about the process and what was likely to happen.

Today, the film crew came out and didn't these women perform beautifully. some refused to speak on camera, and that was fine. There was no pressure. In fact, I was pleased that they felt comfortable enough both with me and the group to set the boundaries. One woman we asked to leave, as she had been stalked and we didn't want to risk her being recognised. I really believed she would be one of the more vocal women and I think she was a bit disappointed. One woman refused to even stay in the room, and left, with, hopefully the knowledge that we all very much respect her decision. Of the others, three did not want to have their faces shown, and the camera man was very respectful and filmed the back of their heads only. Two of the women agreed to speak about what it was like for them personally. They described what post natal depression felt like for them. I hope that bit is shown. They were both very eloquent.

I was asked to simply run the group the way I normally do. So I did. For me, I was quite interested to realise that although I was nervous, that I didn't get tongue tied, forget what I wanted to say, or do anything else that I do when terrified. I wasn't. That surprised me. I guess that says how far I have progressed professionally. From the teenager, in high school, who literally froze in my first ever presentation, and couldn't remember anything that I had studied; to the university student who found all sorts of (very inventive, I must admit) ways of getting out of giving presentations. I found it so terrifying to speak in front of a group.

We did our bit, the crew did their bit and I suspect we will see about 10 seconds of our group.

It's an interesting dichotomy. The anxiety about being on television, what will people think, I have exposed myself on national television and the narcissistic desire to see oneself on television. Part of me hopes that we get lots of coverage; part of me hopes we get less than the 10 seconds we expect.

I was told I did very well. In fact, the organiser sounded quite surprised. I have had compliments from the other facilitator who was in the room at the time. I don't remember much about what I said, or did. I do remember having a crack at the media for their representation of "The Good Mother" and how she should be. I do remember watching my language. I remember the organiser stopping the filming and asking me to do something, I've forgotten what, and me doing it.

I think I'm pleased with how I handled it. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I think I should be feeling something - pleasure, pride, like I did a good job, or didn't do a good job - something. But right now I feel nothing. I think I may have a crash later in the week once I have processed the whole happening. I do believe I should be feeling something - good or bad - I should be feeling something.

So Australian readers, keep an eye out on Channel 7 news over the next couple of weeks, and you might just see me on television.

 

Cheers

Madeleine

Tuesday, 2 September 2008